July 17, 2014

It’s a daily struggle…..trying to feel like I’ve been productive enough, that I’ve accomplished enough. Today I had 8:30am-3:30pm to myself, without kids. I have high hopes for 8 hours. So much should be able to be accomplished, right? And, yet, time just slips through my hands like grains of sand. It’s 2:30pm and I’m bemoaning how unproductive today has felt. Now I’m grieving the loss of that time. And, yet, I should just trudge ahead doing things moment by moment, knowing that I’ll eventually make a dent against the giant to-do list that grows exponentially every day. How did the day slip by?

8:30-10:30 Coffee with a friend

10:30-11:00 Driving home. Getting checks ready to send off at the post-office for YL. Writing a congratulatory card for a friend who just finished his doctoral program. Figuring out what in my pantry could be a good in-the-car snack gift for the YL folks.

11:00-11:30 Driving to LMS. Saying my goodbyes to the YL team.

11:30-12:20 Standing in line at the local Hawthorne Post Office. Trying not to go over the edge of insanity with hoooooooow long that line always is. How rude and unfriendly the postal workers always are.

12:20-1:00 Eating lunch. Emailing. Uploading YL pictures to FB.

1:00-2:30 Feeling overwhelmed. Most of my day is already gone. Little bit of everything. Going to Natalie’s room and sitting with her dolls that she asked me to babysit. So cute. I needed this time. She even wrote up a feed, play, nap schedule for her dolls that she posted up on our refrigerator. I can play along. The first day I dressed up both dolls in green outfits and put green ribbons in their hair. I sat them on Natalie’s bedroom floor and surrounded them with green items……so when Natalie came home I told her I had taught them the word “green”. Oh she was ecstatic. She was tickled that I had played along. So then the next morning as she skipped to her camp, she asked me if I would teach them the color blue. I sure did. Dressed them up in blue outfits, blue ribbons and surrounded them with blue items. Today’s request: to focus on the color red. No problem my sweet baby girl. I love it that she loves to use her imagination. This kind of stuff drives Jacob crazy. “You know, Natalie, that Mom does NOT sit around feeding your dolls or playing with them, right??!?!” Sure I do. For a few seconds- before I go pick her up. I have them all set up in her room to welcome her back. To give her the sweet thought that Mama had sat down on the floor and played with her dolls. Today I needed that. It was great to sit on the floor with my angst of my squandered day, to feel like a little girl and simply dress those two dolls in red-colored outfits. Oh the joy of childhood simplicity. To sit there and pray for my sweet Natalie- that her childhood, her playfulness, her imagination, her innocence, her lack of stress would last as long as possible. Then I returned to dishes and laundry. Hopeful that today I can finally conquer laundry. Hopeful that at least today every single clothing item in our home is clean.

2:30-2:45 Sitting down at my computer to close my eyes and soak in the worship song “Oceans”. Trusting that the Great Unknown, my Lord, called me to hang out with this sweet friend this morning. Someone who I had never had coffee with. I felt a tug on my heart yesterday to reach out and ask her to coffee. I want to trust that God gave me that tug. I need to keep my eyes focused on the fact that God’s Spirit moves and hopes we would respond. I want to have faith that His sovereign hand will be my guide. That the time I spent going to encourage the YL team and that I spent standing in line to send off all the camp donations and payments, is time that God uses in His grand economy. It’s not wasted time. It’s time spent for the edification of His people. I need to stop feeling unproductive and unsuccessful.