Right now I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s one of those feelings when I….

•want to sit in a completely silent room. no sound.

•want to keep the back door shut to keep out all the sounds of the 405 traffic that’s just a few houses down, even if that means my dog can’t go out and lick up water from his water bowl when he’s standing at the back door asking to be let out

• would really really like to drink a super-ice cold can of coke. So cold that I see and feel the condensation running down the side of the can.

• know I just need to take deep breaths

• need to remind myself of something I read recently: “I’m feeling this way because my perfectionist consciousness is swamped by “I should” statements. I should have more compassion for myself and not be so harshly self-critical and overly self-evaluative.”

• am worrying excessively that I haven’t been doing this “home-school” thing just right

• am realizing that my fear in not being/doing things right as Jacob’s homeschool teacher, may move me into action in an attempt to relieve my anxiety. But that movement into action may account for strain and drivenness that isn’t healthy.

• just want to do what’s right

• need to tell myself over and over and over and over again “Progress, not perfection”

• need to give myself time and space to figure this out

• need to make an effort to reach out to all the other parents who must be feeling a similar sentiment. I can’t be in this alone. I should take the lead and connect with the parents of this classroom; perhaps inviting them to our house or creating a cohort-specific Yahoo group. There needs to be room to dialogue, get ideas, and feel like we’re all in this together

• a bit relieved to have given my thoughts room to fly free from the captivity of my mind, where they would otherwise just get larger and larger

• need to pray. need to ask God to help me manage all of this. need to let the God of this universe calm me, comfort me, tell me everything is in His hands, His time, His perfect will.

• thankful that I am not additionally managing all the aspects, people and logistics of the Young Life club tonight. Thankful that I can focus on being a wife, mom and home-school teacher this year. Thankful for that space to figure it all out. Thankful for that rest. Thankful that God has brought other people to take over and run with this ministry. Thankful that I can even be debriefing these thoughts after tonight’s Back-to-School-Night in the peace and stillness of my home as the kids sleep.

• need to tell myself, a time will come when I will have some semblance of how to manage keeping our home clean, clothes laundered, meals planned, prepped and cooked, in addition to all the aspects of this individual learning that is going on at home and needs to all be documented and shown evidence of. It will come. Someday. Sometime. Not sure when. But hoping the time will come.