thewallises

Tonight I feel satisfied. Full of delight. Deeply fulfilled.

Just came home from an absolutely beautiful production of “Little Women” put on by a phenomenally talented cast of 11 people. It’s on nights like tonight when I just feel so content. My ears have taken in the sounds of perfectly sung notes. Talent that far exceeds the ability of my words to describe. My heart has felt the throb of emotion as cast members perfectly portrayed characters full of life and personality. My eyes have shed rivulets of tears. And a joy in knowing that all of these performers rehearsed and memorized oodles of lines all to the glory of God, thanking Him for the talents He gifted them with, and offering them up as a way to bring healing and joy for women rescued from sex trafficking. What a joyous night, to know that my dollars will help restore women’s souls and lives at a haven house of their own.

Thank you Lord for this fullness.

Thank you for theater.

Thank you for the talents you bestow upon your people.

Thank you for all the ways people honor you and bring you glory through their talents of choreography, singing, directing, piano playing, light installation, costume-making and so much more.

Thank you for my sweet girlfriend Shannon, who shared this evening with me.

A beautiful night.

And I also feel the sweet satisfaction of having just read the final pages of “The Weird Sisters” in time for tomorrow’s book club meeting. Oh that’s a good feeling.

A beautiful day, really.

Started off with a bacon & scrambled eggs breakfast, with all four of us sitting around the dining room table opening the day in prayer, holding hands together. And then heading off with Grandpa and Grammy to the Huntington Library and Botanical Gardens for a glorious day in the sweet serenity of the beautiful outdoors. Sitting there on a wooden bench soaking up the sunshine feeling nothing but stillness about me, was pure joy.

I’m off to bed fully satisfied with today. Thank you Lord for all of these blessings. Thank you.

We have attended several productions by Haven Academy of the Arts. Several shows ago Jacob asked “Mama, when can I be one of the kids up on stage?” Today marked the beginning of that possibility for him. Natalie was able to have a stage appearance through her “Pretend and Play” preschool class a few months ago. She had come on stage during the “Narnia” performance as a little mouse during the scene with Father Christmas. But she had hoped for a bigger role. Something more than a few minutes. So this is why both Jacob and Natalie are now thrilled beyond belief at the thought of being in the cast of a show! And they are sooooooo excited to be doing it together. I love that they love each other so much!!!

We had talked about this two and a half month commitment quite extensively at the dinner table. Could the kids handle that length of commitment? How would it affect them after a full day for Jacob at DaVinci? And after a full day for Natalie with Spanish class and then preschool? What would dinners look like in the craziness of running from one place on my volunteer workday at the school to the rehearsals? Would they like it? Would they stick with it for the long haul of the commitment? Would they grow too tired especially during tech week with late bed-times? So many questions. We decided to just give it a try and find out.

I had no idea what to expect when we arrived this afternoon. What goes on behind stage? How does a show come together? What do rehearsals consist of? How does Rebekah organize all the kids and then end up teaching them all the parts? So in we walked, the three of us, completely oblivious and wide-eyed with curiosity with what it would all be about.

I hadn’t exactly been stellar mom in terms of preparing for the paperwork aspect. I did print out the necessary registration papers last night. And I had skimmed over them and noticed there was a line requiring the signature of the cast member, acknowledging his/her commitment to showing up to every rehearsal. So this morning before taking Jacob to school, I explained the contract to him and had him sign it. But after that point in the morning the day went into fast-paced mode: making photocopies at Steve’s school, organizing the month-long homeschool parent work log, taking Natalie to Spanish class, going grocery shopping for my designated snack day at preschool, picking up Natalie, going home to turn cupcakes into a creatively designed “turtle” cake, zooming off to preschool for my workday, but first needing to stop at Steve’s school to drop off the late afternoon/early dinner he would have to give Jacob before taking him to Haven…….so the day zoomed by and I didn’t have a free moment to show Natalie the Haven contract nor realize that actually there were two pages that required each cast member’s signature. Doh!

So upon our hasty arrival at 4:03, I found that all the children were already sitting in a circle on the floor of the OCF auditorium. Wow! Impressive! I love that on-time starting organization!!!! There was a moment after the introductory explanation where the group was going to move to another room. I snagged Jacob and Natalie and explained I needed their signatures for parts of the cast member contracts. I could see and feel their huge desire to stay with the group and not miss a single moment. And yet I knelt there reading to them all the expectations of their commitment level. I wanted them to know what they were agreeing to with their signature. I wish I would have planned better and had these conversations at home with them. I felt so badly for pulling them away and giving them that feeling of angst that the group was moving on without them.

After that I thought I was going to leave and come back at 6:30, but I was so curious and excited to see the process! So I chose to be a fly on the wall and watch. And boy was I impressed!

I was impressed on so many levels. I was impressed by my kiddos’ confidence and ability to just jump right in and learn dance steps, sing with confidence and stay focused with a great deal of enthusiasm despite their mind and body having been fully engaged during the day. I was impressed that little Natalie, only 4 1/2,  standing in the middle of  sea of children all towering above her, held her ground and learned alongside all of them. I kept seeing glimmers of her well-worn Jesse cowgirl red glitter boots in the sea of dancing feet. I couldn’t see her because her body was hidden by all the other bodies of older, bigger, taller kids. And yet I could see feet in those shiny boots trying to stick with all of it- kicks, jumps, boxsteps. What really cracked me up was when I was helping her get ready for bed later in the evening and out of those boots poured a whole pile of sand from her preschool playground time. Are you serious?!? How could she be doing all that jumping and dancing with boots full of sand??! She wasn’t phased by it at all. Such beautiful dedication and focus!

After time in one room learning the choreography of a dance, then they moved into the main auditorium where they sang part of the song “A whole new world”.  I watched my little 4 1/2 year old Natalie strut herself with confidence, leading the pack of kids, to the stage. As she climbed the steps to the stage she put each foot down with marked assurance and confidence in who she was, where she was, what she was doing and who she was as a leader bringing everyone up onto the stage with her. Wow. I stood there marveling at her confidence. It was a mama-proud moment. Nothing that I can take credit for. Just proud and filled with joy at her confidence.

To see Jacob’s hand beat wildly in the air as he jumped on his tippy toes in hopes of being called on to sing a solo of “A whole new world” song, made my heart smile. Here he was completely in his element. Excited about music. Excited at the prospect of singing. Such a happy moment to watch.

At that point Steve joined me from work and then we headed home to catch a quick bite of dinner. As I sat at the table thinking of all that I had just experienced, I was filled with gratitude for Rebekah Hellerman and everyone who works with her. Seeing the joy on those kids’ faces and knowing that a road of hard work and lots of practice lies ahead for each of them, I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude that Haven exists. I am thankful already that Jacob and Natalie will learn about tenacity and perseverance through practicing something over and over and over again. I am thankful for the art of theater they will be able to experience and be a part of extending to an audience. I am thankful that they will have the opportunity to forge new friendships with all these children they will be in rehearsal with. I am thankful for the confidence this will build in each of them. I am thankful that I can leave them in the hands of a woman I know is trustworthy, competent, gifted and highly passionate for this work.

We all came home with grins from ear to ear. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a very fun thing! But I’m already laughing at the thought of having the Aladdin soundtrack played on repeat a million times and stuck in our heads for the next few months. We are entering a happy season. A whole new world. 🙂

“Joy. Unspeakable joy.

An overflowing well.

No tongue can tell.

Joy. Unspeakable joy.

Rises in my soul. Never lets me go.”

These were words that gripped me today at church as we sang Chris Tomlin’s rendition of Joy to the World. Words that have been playing in my mind throughout the day. The day started off with an a-w-e-s-o-m-e morning of praise at church. Wow. The music sounded so glorious. My heart was so full of joy. Tears of joy streamed down my face. And the sight of everyone holding a lit candle- pure awesomeness. The beautiful sparkles of the lighting up on the wall behind the stage. Oh, it was just a joy-filled moment for me.

And that came on the heels of a 6-hour amazing Christmas dinner evening with friends from college. An amazingly scrumptious roast filled our tummies. But more than that was the laughter. I seriously don’t think I’ve laughed that much and that hard for a reaaaaaaaally long time. My sides hurt. My tummy ached. My face ached. And this morning I was still exhausted. I laughed SO hard. Really really hard. Unspeakable joy.

This morning after that great church service we headed over to a Christmas tree lot. I had been in contact with an amazingly sweet woman who had asked if we could find families who would love to have the joy of a tree in their home but who otherwise would not have been able to have one. We picked up the 5 Christmas trees she hoped to bless families with this season. As Steve and I stood there in the parking lot talking with her, our kiddos were in the back seat of the truck with the windows rolled down, laughing their heads off at jokes and games they were playing in the car. We got into the truck only to find that they had tucked in our front seat belts all the way back by them. They were roooooooollllllling with laughter when we discovered their fun prank. Beautiful joy.

Then off we went to deliver the 5 trees. Tonight my heart was full to overflowing at the stories of families getting to enjoy each other’s company and decorating trees together. The joy of Christmas- beautiful. I was thankful for my patient children who had gone along for the two-hour process of picking up and delivering trees who could partake in that gift giving. I was grateful beyond words and fully aware of my lack of gratitude all these years past. I had never once thought or even considered that there are families who celebrate Christmas but need money to be spent on other things besides a tree. Why had I never thought of that? Today my eyes were opened and I realized that I have even more to be grateful for. Unspeakable joy.

The afternoon was all about the silence of naps. All four of us- Jacob, Natalie, Mama and Daddy. We each took a nap. The house was still. Charlie and Annie were even asleep on their doggy bed. That beautiful sound of stillness and sweet nothingness in the house was such an amazing gift to my ears today as I drifted off into sleep. Awwwww- sweet joy.

And then an evening of even more frolic. We headed over to a friend’s house. There we had dinner- a yummy chili with corn bread. And we led our kids through a science lesson as a part of a project they should be doing at home. Both of us, with our teacher backgrounds, were relishing the use of a K-W-L chart. So we started by asking our kids “What do you already know about water?” And then after filling up the whole K (Know) chart with everything they knew, we moved to the W chart for what they would like to know about water. The questions were: “Exactly how important is water? Where does water come from for a toilet? Where does that water go after?” And so began the exploration of all things regarding toilets. We watched a hilarious You Tube video about the invention of the toilet. Learned about Thomas Crapper who invented the flushing toilet. We had the kids take off the top of the water tank of the toilet and learn about its parts. Dripped water into the bowl. Poured a whole bucket into the bowl. They learned that we can flush simply by pouring a bucket of water in. Then learned how to siphon water from one container to another using plastic tubing. And that’s really when the hilarity began.

We had buckets, bowls, plastic tubing, food coloring……a waterfall of siphoned water going from one bowl to the next…..Steve on a step-stool holding the bowl as high as he could above his head to see how height of the water flow affected things…..the kids sucking on the plastic tubing and trying to time the release of their mouth before the siphoned water filled their mouth….and spitting water all over my shoes in the process. Seriously- all of that fun in the kitchen was the best part of the night for me. Lots of giggles. Lots of laughs. Tons of smiles. Unspeakable joy.

This has been an amazingly good weekend. Thank you Lord for joy.

Right now Jacob is incessantly playing UNO. Some combination of our family is involved in playing at least 10 games of UNO daily. Yes. Daily. Sometimes up to 20+ games are played daily. The day starts off at 6:30am with Steve and Jacob playing multiple rounds. Then Natalie gets involved. Occasionally I play a few rounds. Then it turns into rounds between Jacob and Natalie. And if Uncle Norm is here in the morning, then there are at least 3 or 4 more rounds played. Last week was a lucky week- Uncle Jason from New York was here and Tante Mitzi from Oregon was here. Even moooooooore rounds of UNO were played on those days!

And this is what I hear as cards are dealt for each round: “I got 4 lucky cards!!!!” or “I got 2 lucky cards!!!!!” or “Ohhhhhhhh man I didn’t get any lucky cards this time”. Basically if either one of my kids gets dealt a reverse, skip, wild or draw 4, then everyone in the entire household hears the exciting exclamation about how many lucky cards they are now proud possessors of.

The other exclamation which is heard with GRRRRRREEEEEEAT exuberance is the line “YOU DIDN’T SAY UNO!!!!!!!!!” Oh man, watch out! With incredible lightning speed reaction time Jacob will call you out if any micrometer-sized portion of your second-to-last remaining card hits the pile without you having announced “Uno”. He has called people out with great satisfaction knowing he’s delayed their win by causing them to have to draw two additional cards due to their forgetfulness.

Steve and I have learned that Jacob goes through phases in what he’s interested in playing in the game world. It started early on when all he wanted to play night and day was Chutes & Ladders. Then his fixated fascination moved onto Chess. After that was weeks on end of daily hours of Monopoly. And now it’s UNO. There is no dearth of game-playing in this household. Repetitive- yes. At times monotonous- yes. But I like to see it as him keeping with something and acquiring strategies that he tests out and implements over and over and over again to meet with success. The definition of perseverance, right? 🙂

Today was another glorious day. Natalie asked if we could please have a picnic. Sure! So we surprised daddy with a picnic lunch at work. Natalie was glowing with delight! Sitting on the grass, with our green checkered tablecloth serving as a blanket. The fun tablecloth she loves so much with the fringe of white pom poms; a remnant of my past (something my mom made in the 70’s and we now take with us anywhere we head out for a picnic). Argentinian Lomito steak sandwiches, peach Snapple iced tea and a thick slice of Costco’s heavenly chocolate cake.

As we sat there enjoying each other’s company in the glorious sun, we had the joy of watching a group of high school students jumping rope. So awesome to watch. There they were, a group of high school teenagers, swinging a long jumprope, jumping in….jumping out….singing songs “Teddy bear teddy bear turn around…..teddy bear teddy bear touch the ground.” That was simply awesome. I absolutely love stepping foot on DaVinci’s campus and being taken to another world of pure awesomeness. And then just like that, magically, with no loud annoying bell ringing, all the students walked back to class. It’s really magical how it happens. They all just know what time it is and responsibly return. Phenomenal to watch.

And that’s when Natalie began playing “Daddy Jungle Gym”. Climbing up on his shoulders, him trying to throw her off balance and she trying with all her might to hold on tight. A fabulously fun morning.

A magical night……..the first time I can remember having a date night with the hubby at Disneyland. We stood there on Main Street soaking up the beautiful lights and Christmas decor…..my mind simultaneously in awe of the complexity and magnificence of the fireworks while also pondering the water crisis around the world and wondering how many thousands of people could have wells drilled for them with the money that is spent here to amuse all of us. Ugh. A fabulous and yet frustrating moment. Wanting to enjoy the moment in “The Happiest Place on Earth”. And yet feeling guilty for enjoying it. Wishing I could just blissfully think of the beauty of the fireworks. And yet consciously aware that somewhere today hundreds and thousands of women walked for hours on end to get a container-full of water to trudge back to their village with. I’ve watched a few videos recently from organizations like “Water First” and “Charity Water”. Compelling. Deeply compelling.

And yet, magically for a moment I was transported to that place of sheer joy and bliss when all of a sudden at the end of the fireworks display, fresh snow started falling from the sky on everyone on  Main Street. That was totally unexpected! What a fun, fun surprise!!!! Music played about having a white Christmas. Snowflakes were sticking to people’s hair and jackets. Steve and I just stood there in each other’s arms, smiling, holding each other close. For that moment all I thought about was how glad I was to be married to this man. Gratitude filled my mind. Deep, deep gratitude.

“In the blink of an eye these days will be done with your children. Hold on tight to these times. Treasure them. ” (words from Mrs. Varey, Natalie’s preschool teacher) And so today even though my linen closet practically exploded in my hallway and I’ve got heaping mountains of towels and bedsheets strewn in the hallway to fold and carefully put back…..and even though my dining room table is a gigantic mess of arts & crafts supplies…..and even though there are a million unfinished to-do’s on my list…..I will go to bed happy. I’m smiling knowing that today I did the best I could to hold on tight to these precious, precious moments with my small children. They are growing up so fast. I can already see what Mrs. Varey is talking about. These are precious moments.

If someone had been holding a camera near me…….

• I wish they could have captured the sight of the 3 of us, with picnic basket in hand, walking across the millions of grains of sand to the shore.
• I wish someone could have captured the sight of me sitting in my little beach chair fondly looking on at my two happy children jumping in the water, digging holes with their sand shovels and running great lengths after seagulls who dared try come close to our picnic blanket.
• I wish someone could have taken a snapshot of the three of us sitting on the tailgate of our white Tacoma truck, folded down, us sitting there with our legs dangling down and us eating a lunch of sliced cucumbers, freeze-dried apples, bananas & strawberries, cheese and crackers while laughing our heads off as we tried to fight off the super-aggressive seagull who literally came inches away from snatching the pb& j sandwich right out of Natalie’s hands. His wings flapped against Natalie’s hair!! I got into super protective mama bear mode when I saw him try to snatch it away from her! How dare he!!
• I wish someone could have photographed Natalie and I sitting together at the little table in her preschool, happily decorating her gingerbread house together.

I am thankful for days like these.

So this morning I wrote about the sweetness of Jacob sitting on my lap with his head bowed in prayer before our Lord, asking to be with Him on His team for the rest of his life. After that we packed up a picnic basket and our sand toys to head over to the beach. We haven’t been in ages. Other than one grandma who was there with her granddaughter Alexandria, who were passing time waiting for their 6pm flight back to Vancouver, Canada, we were the only ones on the whole beach. It was glorious. December 8th, middle of winter, a gorgeous sunny California day, the beach all to ourselves. This is the kind of day where I just loooooooooove being a stay at home mom and home school teacher. I was stoked that this could be our exercise/be-outside “playground” time.  After about an hour and a half of playing, Natalie came over, plopped down in my little chair and said “Mama, I’d like to tell God I want to be on His team too.” Wow!! Out of nowhere!! Granted, we had been having the conversation this morning but it astounded me that her 4-year old mind had been contemplating and somehow tossing around the idea as the day continued. And that all of a sudden in the middle of her beach play-time she decided it was a great time. It was the moment. And so there she sat in my little beach chair, my mama eyes glued on her face. An equally glorious moment of the radiant sunshine illuminating her face, just as had happened to frame Jacob’s face in the morning during his prayer. Thank you God for that light. You know how much I love light. The lighting on both of them was absolutely heavenly and glorious. I sat there on my knees holding out my hand and touching her leg. She took in a deep breath as though somehow in her young mind she knew this was a big thing. She asked if I could say the prayer. I told her this was a decision and important commitment for her to make with her words. But I knew what she needed. She was asking, without knowing how, for me to lead her in a prayer. And so I did. “Dear God, I would like to invite you to live in my heart. Forever. I invite your Spirit to come live in me. One day I would like to live in your big, big house and live eternally with you. I want to be on your team God. Amen.” I hugged her. Today was a big day for her. And I just love what a reminder it was to me that when God calls, everyone responds at their own timing. Natalie wanted to respond this afternoon. I absolutely just love it that her mind pondered it for hours and hours. And I know that many other opportunities have arisen where we have spoken about one day inviting God to live in your heart. And she’s always listened with interest. And yet today she made a step. Her own step. Her own timing. And so I took a picture of her, sitting there in that chair, right after we prayed together. Oh Lord I give you Natalie and ask her to care for her, lead her, love her, encourage her, and reveal her purpose and beauty as your beloved daughter. May the rest of her days here on earth be all steps closer and closer to knowing and serving you. Amen.

This morning is a special one. A precious one. One that my heart is handling ever so gently and holding onto so dearly. So many pieces have come together. We put in the 1st cd of an audio collection of the New Testament. As the kids were listening they heard the name of Satan. Who is that? A conversation ensued about hell. About how some people believe in God and Jesus and some people don’t. About how we have earthly, physical bodies that will die one day and be buried. But that we also have spirits that will spend all of eternity either in heaven or hell, either with God or apart from God, depending on if we chose to believe and desire God in our lifetime. I read to them Luke 16:19-30. We talked about Narnia and how there are two teams: God’s team and Satan’s team. Both kids earnestly said they want to be on God’s team. So I was sitting on Steve’s comfy leather “thinking chair” as we call it. Jacob had climbed up on my lap and was intently listening and looking into my eyes as I was telling him about all of this. It was as though light itself was pouring out from heaven through the living room window, rays of bright light directly onto Jacob’s face. He bowed his head and said he wanted to pray. “Dear God, when I grow up I really want to be on your team.” I sat there beholding my son’s face, with my eyes full to the brim with tears, a radiance of light shining upon my precious sweet boy with his head bowed and his heart bowed in worship of our Lord. Thank you Lord for this precious moment this morning. Thank you. And now he sits on the couch listening to chapters of the audio Bible. Thank you for this depth. Thank you too that Natalie with great earnestness said that she too wants to be on your team for all of her lifetime. She said she was thinking a prayer in her head. Pure sweetness. Double joy this morning. This is my prayer Lord- would these desires of their hearts hold fast for all the years of their life.

Today was an emotional day for me. Well, yesterday was too. Two days back to back full of a lot of things that made me want to cry. No, I’m not being hormonal (or at least I don’t think I am). This just happens to be one of those times in life when a lot of intense/deep things are all intersecting in my thoughts at the same time, leaving me feeling very spent emotionally. Both yesterday and tonight quite a few tears were spilling down my cheeks. But it was a good kind of cry.

Two sets of our friends are experiencing the intense grief in the loss of pregnancies. My heart is breaking for them. That alone wants to make me cry.

Yesterday, finally after putting it off for 6 years, we met with an attorney to draw up a living trust for ourselves in the event that both Steve and I pass away. For years since Jacob’s birth this thought has loomed in the back of my mind- that we didn’t have a plan that could go into effect for the care and well-being of our small children. Finally, thankfully, that legal process has begun and is now underway. I can rest more assured that the proper documents are in place. But quite honestly the thought of either Steve or I dying, or both of us, is a very sad thought for my mind to consider. I know that heaven and eternity with God is something that is far more glorious than I can even grasp and it is something that should give me peace as I approach it. However, the thought of dying is a deep and heavy topic.

But then thoughts of death also led to the thoughts of our parents, one day, passing away. And that’s when my tears really started to flow. I love my parents. I am deeply grateful for them. I have such a phenomenal relationship with my mom- that I can’t and don’t even want to think of the day she may not be here. It’s too heavy of a grief for my mind and heart to even try to imagine coping with.

Yesterday we spent an early Thanksgiving with my dad and Ursula. We’ve had some rough years. And it was a beautiful, beautiful thing that our time spent setting up our living trust was the book-end that seemed to close that chapter of rough times. Because a lot of it came to bear around the time that my dad went in to write his will. It was then that I verbalized a lot of my feelings and from that point on things got really rough and distant. So it’s sweet, very sweet, that between the drawing of his will and now the drawing of mine, that a chapter has closed. And a new chapter of calm and understanding has begun.

And then tonight Steve’s wonderful parents came over to our place to make Christmas crafts with the kids, to give us the gift of a date night out. Again, a wonderful exquisite feeling of being so loved and cared for. And I am so thankful and grateful that my kids went running out to Grammy’s car, with full excitement in their voices at her arrival. They could hardly wait to sit at the kitchen counter and see what fun crafts would be drawn out of her magical arts & crafts bag. They sat there shouting with joy “What crafts Grammy? Which crafts?!” That was a glorious picture- walking out the door looking at the backs of their bodies on the stools, knowing they were in the care of a very loving Grammy.

So Steve and I headed off to see a movie. We hardly ever watch movies. It’s just not our thing. Friends gave us a gift card to a movie theater nearly a year ago, January 2010, as a congratulatory gift for Steve officially becoming the principal of DaVinci High School. Now, Nov. 23rd 2011, we finally went to see a movie. Our decision tonight was to either go see “Moneyball” or “Hugo” that was just released today, a film directed by Martin Scorsese. Not that we know all that much about the film industry- we really know almost nothing. But we do at least know (well, truth be told I didn’t know, but Steve did) that Martin Scorsese is a highly acclaimed director, known for making incredible movies. So we went hopeful it would be worth our time and would be memorable for our once-a-year-to-the-movies-outing.

And it was. I left the movie crying. A good kind of cry. Not only was the movie beautifully created and filmed. I found myself even commenting about how much I appreciated and liked the lighting in the movie. And that’s weird for me to even notice! I also left with this sense that we are all soooooooo small in this world and yet our role is so huge. I absolutely LOVED how they panned the great big city of Paris and moved in closer and closer and closer all the way to the eye of Hugo, who was looking out of the number 4 from inside the clock at the train station. This sense of how huge our world is and yet how much of a story lies behind and in each individual person’s life. I loved it. I love to ponder about the stories of each individual who walks on this planet. And yet so often I get sucked into the minutiae of  my daily life (like this morning getting frustrated that my maps app on my iPhone doesn’t work anymore) that I forget to pan out and gain perspective of the bigger purpose of life. Yesterday and today God took me on a journey of panning out a bit, to give me some awesome perspective of how much bigger life is.

After the movie we went out to eat at Salt Creek Grille where Steve was looking forward to ordering the Chilean Sea Bass. He claims this is THE best dinner served in all of Los Angeles. Wow! That is one very high recommendation. I wouldn’t agree. But every single taste bud of his is on maximum pure enjoyment and bliss when he orders that plate of food! I’m glad to know he thoroughly enjoyed it.

As we sat there at a right angle to each other, sipping our house glass of wine, feeling quite like grown-up adults, we looked over at the table nearest to us. There sat a couple with a tiny girl, just six months old or so sitting in a high chair. As soon as Steve said “do you remember those days?”, the floodgates of my eyes opened and the tears started to flow once again. Yes, I do remember those days. I mean, no. I don’t. I know it wasn’t long ago and it’s happening all so fast and my lame memory isn’t holding onto it all. I used to think that my memory was so bad because it’s shutting down was a coping mechanism for unpleasant aspects of my childhood. But this is the pleasant part of my life- it should be working! This is the chapter of my life that I dreamed of and wished for with all my might. I remember my high school friends thought I was beyond weird and crazy to imagine and dream for my 30’s when I would be a wife and a mom. But, truly, this is the dream time of my life and yet my memory still can’t grasp onto details. Grrrrrr. That’s really frustrating. And so I’ve asked Steve to commit with me each part of our Sunday evenings together when we sit on the couch and just have couple time to talk about our week and pray, that we would include in that time some journal time for the kids. Time to jot down what our minds and hearts hope to hold onto forever.

During the course of our dinner that couple and small child left and when we looked up again there sat an older couple. A mom, dad and son who seemed to have just arrived back home from college. Well, that was the story we created. And we laughed. In the blink of an eye it seems that our life will be happening that fast too. Before we know it our little 4-year old Natalie will be moving off to college. It seems so far away right now but we know it will happen before we even know it. Those parents we saw sitting there, looked older, more established professionally and even heavier in weight. All things that may happen to us on our trajectory in life- who knows. What will we look like? I already have so much more gray hair than I even imagined for this age and stage of my life. Ha!

So I sat there tonight pondering all these things and more. I was thinking of the man I’ve been reading about in the novel “Unbroken”, about his story as a prisoner of war, being beaten by Japanese soldiers. I was also thinking of things that Francis Chan wrote about in his book “Crazy Love” and the comforts of living a Christian life that is not at all about the life that Jesus called us to. And my mind is trying to make sense of it all. My mind feels spent. My emotions feel raw. I want my life to be significant. I’m not sure what God is trying to tell me through all of this. It all feels so deep.  So I’ll pray and invite God to clearly reveal to me what my greater purpose is in this life. What is this chapter in my life all about? How shall I make sense of all that is going on? And I’ll just go to sleep trusting that He will speak and will lead.

Oh and on a lighter note. Here’s a fun little tidbit. Today was the 1st time I bought myself a tub of popcorn at the movies!! I don’t normally indulge like that. But, hey, we had a gift card to the movies. So today I bought popcorn and a coke. It felt like a big splurge. Funny, huh? It’s the little things.

I don’t feel like any of this is making a whole lot of sense. This is babbling to the extreme. But I feel at ease now that it somehow has all made its way from my mind into this typed text. God, I’m holding out hope that you will help me make sense of it all. Thank you.